Musical Healing (My Praying)...

If you have become hardened to Biblical or religious hypocrisies in general (btw, that is humans tainting it-not deities & spirits)...

If you can't focus (due to deep anguish, anxiety, depression, etc...) to work, rest, read a self health article, much less a book...

If you have talked to your friends and family so much about the same shit and now feel like a burden...

Sometimes only music can help/ save you! 

Last fall 2019, I took my life back! I "asserted" myself as a woman to an "extreme" sense for me; it was possibly just a Tuesday/ Saturday for some of my less stifled friends (lol-E makes me think of our convos)...

I would lay on the couch, in the tub (poor Shelly & D.W., lol-sorry yall: #friendslikefamily), just staring... zoned tf out. I would try to fill the pain and confusion with noise. Noise though does not have to come from speaking...

I saw other friends healing from their shit... Why couldn't I? I could not focus. I could not fathom being alone with my own fucked up thoughts. 

The first song that "saved" me was Selena Gomez's "Lose You to Love Me" 

🎶You promised the world and I fell for it

I put you first and you adored it

Set fires to my forest

And you let it burn

Sang off key in my chorus
'Cause it wasn't yours
I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose colored glasses all distorted
Set fire to my purpose
And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin'
When it wasn't yours, yeah...

To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah...

I gave my all and they all know it

Then you tore me down and now it's showing...

Made me think I deserved it

In the thick of healing, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly

I needed to lose you to find me

This dance, it was killing me softly

I needed to hate you to love me, yeah...

And now the chapter is closed and done
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
And now it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us🎵

But, my toxic patterns of not being able to sit, with just me, kept arising. I had to speak. I had felt trapped in my brain for so long. My real thoughts just on the tip of my tongue, or being said to the wrong people vs. the only ones who needed to hear it, myself or the people perpetuating harm upon me. 

The thing is though, I let them all do it. I was attracting humans who were broken, since I am broken. I am still healing- a little bit each day, I am... gaining perspective, manifesting goals, & tackling fears. 

I even danced the night away feeling empowered last November 30th, to all the Lizzo hits with a girlfriend (V😘for the Live. Life. Love. concert to benefit suicide prevention organization To Write Love on Her Arms). My friend (I have gotten even closer with this year) is a damn healer! Seriously, she makes her own elderberry, raises her children & niece like a boss, works her ass off, while being an amazing wife-all while going to school to be a post-partum doula. 

Couldn't tell us nothing #facesbeat #peoplewatching

After some "disasters" happened (one even surrounding YouTube), *irony* I started making various playlists on YouTube and Spotify to help me heal. 

Sometimes I turn on (Hype/Dance) complete with sexy Nelly, and middle school dance twerk songs to my heart's content [Juvenile, Usher, Lil Jon, Ying Yang Twins, Sisqo, & OutKast) to get "untired" and jolt me into reality when grading. 

Sometimes I rock back and forth, upset & need to listen to a private playlist about heartbreak or mental health/ generational trauma. 

It is all about what you need out of music, individually. One of my best friends (a former teacher-turned boss-ass blogger [published on Medium & many others] and is soon to be a full-on author, makes inspiring pieces surrounding music. She even cultivates playlists she shares or asks her readers what they feel when reading her pieces). 👏💻🎵 Look her up on Instagram: _chelsierenee She speaks raw truth constantly! You won't regret checking her out. She has been a huge source of inspiration for me using my voice, living my truth, and telling myself it is ok to have boundaries, and rest. Sometimes she even alerted me to questions or concerns I was aware of, but could not admit at the time. #trueempath

Music, just like essential oils, candles, and other healing agents can change your mood dramatically. Let it! Let it heal you. Let it guide you. Let it inspire you. 

I listen to an eclectic variety of music. Classics growing up were: Prince, Journey, Elton John, Celine Dion, Bob Segar, Jay Geils Band, & Mariah Carey. My dad, I mentioned in my Manifestation piece before used to have a recording production company-so music literally flows through my veins. And I believe my mom is a low-key Janis Joplin/ Stevie Nicks, with a dash of Melissa Ethridge & Meredith Brooks. Middle school music interests were a lovely haze of rap/R&B, with some Maroon 5 & Kenny Chesney thrown in.

Now, I'm much more likely listening to one off songs from artists that speak (or at one point spoke) personally to me. Sometimes these songs made me dance my ass off, smile, be confused, cry gutturally, induce rage, or make me feel validated/complete peace- like this random sampling:

• Celine Dion's Lying Down
• The Greatest Showman- This is Me
• John Legend-Conversations in the Dark & John Legend- Wild
• Ciara- Level Up
• Leon Bridges- River
• m5vibe-Vibe for a Second & Buttercup & Butterfly: "On a path to self worth" 
• Gary Clark Jr. - You Saved Me
• Miguel- Coffee
• Niall Horan-This Town
• Alicia Keys- In Common 
• Mark Ronson-Animal
• Jhené Aiko-The Worst & Lyin King & with Childish Gambino: Bed Peace
• Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper- Shallow
• Luke Combs- Beautiful Crazy
• Taylor Swift-hoax& exile (ft. Bon Iver)
• Cole Swindell-Love You Too Late
• Eric Church-Solid
• Faith Hill-It Matters to Me
• H.E.R.-Damage
• Alicia Keys- Wasted Energy
• Tom Petty & Stevie Nicks- Stop Draggin' My Heart Around
• Stevie Nicks-Leather & Lace
• Dixie Chicks-Not Ready to Make Nice
• Lea Michele- Battlefield 
• Megan Thee Stallion-Don't Stop
• DaBaby-Rockstar
• DJ Khalid ft. Drake-Popstar
• Black Eyed Peas- Vida Loca & Mamacita
• Aretha Franklin-Chain of Fools
• James Bay-Let it Go
• Mali (ft. Jhené Aiko)-Contradiction
  
• Tom Petty- Wildflowers
• And the entire damn Local Natives- Violet Street album: favs are>When Am I Gonna Lose You, Cafe Amarillo, & Megaton Mile! 

Music is continuing to heal me, or making me feel whatever I need to feel. It will all change eventually. Some will be on constant rotation though, throughout my entire life journey. I never forget exactly who or what a song made me initially feel or remind me of through vivid memories. Music has a very imprinted impact upon me. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. Yall, lol... #Twilight lol love #Mindy

Most importantly, every time I think about giving up, or going back, or staying with my (emotional, verbal, & financial) abuser/forgiving-I listen to this: Kesha's "Praying" 

It makes me feel such a visceral reaction-EVERY👏 SINGLE👏 TIME👏! 

3 years later (July 2017), and I am sure a lifetime for many victims of abuse (in all forms). Physical is not the only abuse that brings pain & suffering. Verbal, emotional, financial, etc... are all very damaging (nature-scientific reports).Kesha's song is still teaching and healing. I pray he (C) one day has peace, but I dream everyday of when I never have to see him or hear his voice again. I visualize walking around my yard & other spaces alone. I was walking by an antique store the other day & literally fantasized about a peaceful garden in a yard I might one day own-alone! 

Your abuser can be your confidant and you may still love them. But if they are killing you, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps physically YOU mean more than them: "And you said that I was done. Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come...

...You brought the flames and you put me through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell. I'll just say this as I wish you farewell. I hope you're somewhere praying, praying. I hope your soul is changing, changing. I hope you find your peace falling on your knees praying" (Kesha, Praying).

The God/ any deity you mocked and said did not exist, along with art like this are saving me from you: "Sometimes I pray for you at night. Someday maybe you'll see the light. Some say in life you're gonna get what you give. But some things only God can forgive!" -J to C. 

As an English major, Drama minor, & now English Professor, I am always excited to see what an artist meant by their words. So many greats passed away long before their work ever got acknowledged. Yes, after art is released into the universe, readers, fans, listeners can interpret it as they will. But, I always value artists' intentions articulated. Luckily for this song that has impacted and empowered me so much, Kesha told the world what she meant. She did not release a song for 4 years. This was the first song she did in 2017! 

When she did, she also released this essay & this was the most impactful portion of it for me, personally:  

"I hope this song reaches people who are in the midst of struggles, to let them know that no matter how bad it seems now, you can get through it. If you have love and truth on your side, you will never be defeated. Don't give up on yourself. 'Praying'🎵 was written about that moment when the sun 🌅 starts peeking through the darkest storm clouds, creating the most beautiful rainbow🌈. Once you realize that you will in fact be OK, you want to spread love and healing. If you feel like someone has wronged you, get rid of that hate, because it will just create more negativity. One thing that has brought me great relief is praying 🙏 for those people. Being angry and resentful will do nothing but increase your own stress and anxiety — and hate is the fuel that grows the viruses. Don't let anyone steal your happiness!"

🕊💛