Letter to Yourself...

In the book I've been reading the past few days, Ashley Lemieux's Born To Shine, Ashley reflects, "I do not know why life divvies out pain and hurt the way it does, but what I do know about eight-year-old little girls is that their courage is fierce, and it helps them stand back up on the field. I don't know what happened to you at age eight, or fifteen, twenty-six, or forty-two, but I do know that no matter what has been taken from you, somewhere inside of that resilient heart of yours lives a little girl. This girl wants to trust the world, find her courage, and stand back up, so let her. Write her a letter to let her know how much you love her and to give her the permission she needs to find happiness again." 

Dear Jessica, 

Do you remember how you aspired to travel the United States like your adventurous dad? Do you remember paying off your student loans with the goal to travel the world-yet have only gone to 2 other countries? Do you remember riding your bike-ripping and roaring down Apple Valley with J, K, C, & S? Sneaking through the woods, feeling mud slapping up as you peddled through puddles, and crunched through leaves. How about having to be called in late at night with ice-popsicle stained lips/cheeks.

But always asking mom for just a few more minutes-gripping those bio-luminescent magical beings in between your small hands, giggling and running-carefree. You were so gentle, but curious-peeking through your palms, watching them. Did you know you were literally watching romance? Interrupting possible "love"? Things like this unconcerned you then. Now they seemingly consume, though often go unfulfilled, entirely. Lightning bugs are literally flashing...flirting. The males blink to females of their same species. If females are pleased with this, they communicate by flashing back. #fireworks 

To "earn" those fireworks though, both parties had to communicate, woo, and ultimately con-sensually decided to create fireworks together. They don't waste time. They actively seek out the right match, replying with a matching *blink* decision. No playing games. They don't have time to be indecisive. Do you know why, young Jessica? Their entire life-cycle from egg to adult is approximately one or two years, from autumn to autumn. That is from egg to adulthood though. As a child, you could laze around, gazing at the roof of a playhouse on the soft, wet grass of a backyard, not worrying about alarm-clocks, work, money, bills, or deadlines, even though you had some responsibilities. You gripped each wooden step of the tree-house's stairs-climbing them over & over, to ultimately gleefully skid down a bright, yellow slide-shrieking with delight. You chose to help make a secret bamboo path along the fence with dad, mowing grass (probably not well-"helping," but he never once complained). That grace that was given to you...That loving laughter that was allowed...Flapping and splashing in a blow-up, plastic Wal-Mart pool, rocking out to Bob Segar: "Oh, Sunspot Baby. She sure had a real good time." 

Do you still deserve that grace? Do you still desire to create more memories with love and laughter? Do you want to be able to make innocent mistakes without fear? Those lyrics... the parts that resonate now are very different at 32: "But she packed up her bags and she took off down the road...I looked in Miami...I looked in Negril...I checked the Bahamas and they said she was gone. She sure had a real good time. Yeah, Sunspot Baby. I'm gonna catch up sometime. Sometime, oh! Gonna track you down!" 

Snap back to the reality of nature metaphor, girl! Those were all rhetorical. You 100% understand the next steps. They are clear-just not easy. After adult lightning bugs emerge from their pupal casing (or the safety or "surety" of their childhood), they live...2 months! During those very short 2 months of adulthood, they feed on pollen or nectar-if at all, or possibly something more sinister to survive: "Contrary to the storybook image of cute bitsy baby fireflies nibbling on flowers, the underground-dwelling larvae of the lightning bug are carnivorous and feast on slimy slugs, worms and snails. Once they grow up, some move on to cannibalism and eat other fireflies."

Jessica, or anyone else needing this awakening, pretend your ass is in your "2 months" of bio-luminescent magical being adulthood stage. Are you going to flirt, flash, fly, and decide on a life worth living? Are you going to flit to some gorgeous purple leatherflower, morning glory, or passion flower vine feeding off the pollen-or sucking out all the nectar ravenously, joyfully? Or will you "...lure in males of other species by mimicking their blinking patterns...femme fatale firefl[y]?" Predation, hopeless patterns, apathy, not deciding the mate *flashing* back...

As Glennon Doyle would say, 

1. "Be more rabid about who & what you let into your life...that may [be] threatening your peace." 
2. "Serve...to stay away from narcissism/fear...constantly show up for something bigger."
3. "The fire that makes [you] anxious & fearful is also the fire that makes [you] a really relentless activist."
4. "The people who struggle with mental health are often the people with the most depth." 
5. "Quit using our fire to burn ourselves up & start using our fire to light up the world!"

You still have that choice! That *light up the world* blink, spark, flash, flicker. Don't dull your light anymore. You only have "2 months," or at least think of the time limit as such from now on... 

                                                                                                                                                            Love Always, 

                                                                                                                                                               Jessica