Patterns' Origins...

“So often survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. Writing is an important avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to define your own reality. You can say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the adult. I was—and am—innocent.” 
-The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

Yes, sometimes you are "innocent," but that word is complex. Humans often victim shame. Some individuals take on self-shame as a result. We often take a lot on our own shoulders due to a lack of validation from: childhood, relationships, career failures, etc... 

One Instagram Psychotherapist (Sarah Crosby @themindgeek) & self-proclaimed "Mental Note Maker" created this ^ graphic & idea. She poses, "An Anxious Attachment is often linked to a childhood in which our caregiver has been: 

• Unpredictable in their availability
• Inconsistent with their messages
• Not attuned to our needs
• Encouraging of helplessness
• Discouraging of autonomy"

This attachment style/type "Anxious Attachment" is what resonates with me due to my relationship with my mother. My mom would admittedly be withdrawn (unpredictable in their availability). She told me she wanted me to be out-going (getting me to pay bills for the family at dinner, pump gas, speak up (whether it be for a school project or just asking for needs at home-even as an infant), +teaching me all about social justice/inequalities) since she felt she never would have the confidence to do so. She read to me & was a patient saint in many ways-teaching me so many life lessons. However, she was very conditional & harsh with her "approval" as well. Most things were criticized, or at least, if not overtly criticized, analyzed &/or satirized through constant sarcasm and passive aggressive commentary. She made comments regarding my sister & brother (18 & 15 yrs. older than me) saying she'd made so many mistakes & she wished she hadn't been a mother. If I was offended, it was for myself only-taking to heart validation, when I questioned my "innocence," she always said something to the extent of I'm not talking about you. It made me ultimately "judgy"-myself about many circumstances in life, as well: sex, addiction, food "waste," suicide, etc... Parents usually want us to be better than them! In her defense, she had a very traumatic childhood (abuse: verbal, physical: witnessed), her father's alcoholism, attempted sexual assault by a step-father, & "escaped" that reality by marrying too soon (17) to a serial abuser. He beat her so badly she was deaf in one ear-and in front of my 2 half-siblings. She remarried & consequently with my father was always overly assertive, I suspect as a complex. My dad, as a therapist listens, listens, listens & I now see often would allow himself to be disrespected to possibly help her heal her own insecurities. 

My mom again, always wanted me to be "better" than her. She encouraged me to go to college. She is brilliant. Her "book room" rivals some independent bookstores. The shelves tower from floor to ceiling & books envelope tables, floors, & the garage ;)! She has been quoted on multiple occasions stating when she dies she wants to be cremated & her ashes be scattered between bookstores & the library. She encouraged my dad to pursue psychology, and he got his Masters in that & became a therapist. He would MUCH rather have been a Park Ranger or a radio DJ ;) #hippyenvironmentalist She pushes people to "do & be" what she would not allow from herself. She is fascinated by Science & Books (with a capital B-since they are her obsession). She could have been a Forensic scientist, easily. However, at the same time, while she would build me up to "be whatever I put my mind to," be assertive and exhibit female independence, she also did NOT EVER want me standing up to her. She also implied multiple times the men in my life were right for me or their ideas were better than mine, & basically I should just let them save me or do whatever to please/stay in situations that were not serving me... (inconsistent with their messages/encouraging of helplessness/discouraging autonomy).

As I grew older, I had different interests. I desired to travel the world. I was really into Accounting. Won some awards & got to go to my Future Business Leaders of America Conference with my high school (I admired my Accounting instructor & wanted to emulate her journey-to become a CPA). However, I wanted to put my own spin on it-International Business. This utterly terrified my mom. She did not wish that I travel-especially by plane. She encouraged me to do basically anything else + seemingly wanted me to stay close to home. So I did some of that...but with my own flair ;) ! I pursued my second favorite thing-due to her influence (#EnglishMajor). I had an amazing mentor, who had taught me in 8th grade, and again in college. He asked me later to adjunct for him & mentored me as a 2nd father [more to that story-another time]. I enjoy reading, debate, & obsessive black holes of passion. However, as you may be judging me while reading (if you've made it this far)-I am not a perfect grammarian [my mother would hate], and definitely not disciplined enough to often stick with one piece of research long enough to be a really good "publish or perish" Professor! My mind won't sit still usually on one topic long enough to complete things as is the "acceptable" way to be "productive" in society. That is likely why I am now writing about topics on humans and experiences, and heartbreaks I have been ruminating upon for decades or at least years/months (out of sequential order-purposefully). 

I broke up with my long term boyfriend of 5 years (high school-through) because he was "non-committal." Later, I learned my mom had also told him I was never to be asked to be engaged until I finished college. So there was the level of wanting me to be independent again, but...from whom? The patriarchy? Or in this case-the matriarchy? (not attuned to our needs) She ultimately wanted my safety, financial security, and love to be paramount. However, under her "control." In a Red Table Talk between Jada Pinkett & Will Smith, he discusses trying to push his militant childhood learning style (he'd picked from from his father-"Daddio," on his children. He had an epiphany when his daughter pushed back and he reflected, "Realizing how bad a person will hate you if you force your wishes on their life." I don't hate my mom, & have learned infinitely from her, but I'd be a liar if I say I didn't resent certain "methods." Smith suggests the gardener (parent) should not try to control the seed/flower (child), but simply plant it, and allow it to blossom as it sees fit, as it grows. 

The Gardener Flower Concept of [Parenting]

I wanted to be so different from my mom, grandma, aunt, & sister-never depending on a man for security: financially or otherwise. I went to college, got a couple of degrees, and had aspirations of further education (Ph.D). I earned a scholarship-full ride. But, the new long-term boyfriend that was so "different" (surrounding commitment-I thought due to being older & again his joking I've unfortunately grown accustomed to) was also fearful of real emotions due to his parenting history. We moved to another state to pursue my future career & he desired a break from his job-he was extremely burn out from. However, when "errors" came about inevitably, relationship stability came into play.

His personality is very similar to my mom's: critical, lack of availability-emotionally (though she always said I love you). Being with someone, but essentially alone in a new city-when you've never lived anywhere else can be traumatic in itself. However, I also had a desire to please, to not be alone, and never to fail-which was impossible. Emotional & verbal abuse had been going on, almost from day one, but it got worse & worse & my acceptance of it all the more. It happens daily-the belittling. Sometimes he uses graphic words encouraging suicide. Sometimes if I call out a double standard, he might say something just like today, "You don't know how to control yourself" or earlier overtly calling me ignorant, dumb. And the blame game... If you listened, I wouldn't say anything. I'm not going to kiss your a**

                                                                                               

Never would I accept physical abuse-after my mom's testimonies. However, sacrificing parts of myself to keep the peace-had been my modus operandi for 2 decades. I was the "peace-keeper" when no one in my family seemed to co-exist, but also openly bad-mouthed one another. I loved them all & wanted desperately to force relationships & memories (usually resulting in uncomfortable "encounters," instead). 

So now for a decade + I have avoided/ attempted the "peace-keeper" role once again to co-exist in a romantic relationship, even if dangerous levels of emotionless (& his trying to disregard or belittle my emotions/ feelings as dramatic, immature, attention seeking) and verbal abuse were allowed, accepted, and sometimes even apologized for. My level of research to apologize for his inability to communicate healthy love, productive disagreements without anger, volatility, or shutting down were attempts to find/ create comfort. Not sure if this is healthy or not either... Yet again, @themindgeek explains what I believe is the reason my current long-term boyfriend (11+ years) can't meet my needs or our relationships'. I push and I push people-asking about their goals/passions. I think, like my mother, I want people to be the best or better versions of themselves. However, I also project my needs (which are not unreasonable-love, affection, support) onto my partners. 

Sarah Crosby @themindgeek discusses that "When coregualtion (soothing provided by a caregiver) was absent or inconsistent in childhood, we may have had to overuse what is known as the dorsal parasympathetic braking mechanism.📗The dorsal physiology dampens sympathetic arousal + overtime, this becomes the primary somatic management strategy 📗In essence, our body has created a way to respond to excitation, making it difficult in adulthood to stay present with positive excitement or show it, openly" (Crosby). I believe due to his' fathers' lack of emotions (he said he used to not speak to he and his brother for many days-& not even call them by name-voiding their identities) he does not know how to deal with human emotions, regarding anything: anger, sadness, or even as the "note" above discusses-positive excitement. 

One thing I will never be is perfect. I work really hard when I do work for my career, practice purposeful anti-racism activism, volunteer. If I don't tuck a corner in perfectly making up the bed-he will comment. If I wash dishes & there are some water droplets-he will comment. If I leave a fingerprint on the microwave-he will comment. If we are doing gardening together & I don't bury a tomato plant the way he envisions as "perfect," he will comment. If I scoop the litter box or feed the cats and do something he deems as "imperfect," he will comment. Gradually he began actually saying I was lazy and do things in an "imperfect" way purposefully to "get out of" doing work around our home. Now I admit, I didn't think I should have to do as much house work because he does not work & has not for years. However, I do & will cook, clean, etc...Again, I can only assume he has built a wall of perfection to protect himself from his sense of emotional abandonment as a child from his father to experience some sort of self-control & attempts to control me (since he is around no one else). Ironically, the discussion at the end of the quote regarding emotionally abandoning parents reserving their severest punishment for children who are vocal about their negligence reminds me of our relationship. He has told me as a critique of me not meeting his perfection standards that he is not my "dad," but he treats me as if I am a child. If I am "vocal" about his negligence (emotional abandonment) he severely punishes me by verbally abusing me: dumb, lazy, child, slob, pig, etc... (just to name a few).

                                                                                 

If we have a great moment (& we have had a lot: travel, inside jokes, rescuing animals together) he usually undercuts it by making it no longer endearing/ serious-by saying something sarcastic/funny. If there is a discussion about affection, sex, love, or a disagreement I try to address he will definitely numb, shut down, gaslight, silent treatment, or stonewall the conversation or me. Often he will remove himself from not only the conversation-but the physical space: couch, room, bed, & for multiple weeks at a time during the pandemic & others prior, our bedroom. He is an expert at avoidance "freezing." It took him almost 11 years to say the words "I love you" to me aloud-until I broke up with him-we'll talk about my coping "patterns" and journey errors in the next posts. I would always think it would change...Oh we "secretly" work together & the way he speaks to me will improve once we don't. Oh I work all the time & my school is keeping us "separate;" it'll get better. Oh we moved states & I'm again stressed working on a Ph.D. & working multiple jobs constantly. It will get better. Oh I still work all the time at charters. It will get better. But, families and couples have stressful times, years, periods...and many still find ways to cope together, respectfully-even with/ after some rough patches-not permanently utilizing the "it will get better" philosophy! 

It is our responsibility to heal-ourselves (not anyone else-though like me, that has been attempted for my ENTIRE LIFE).  Sometimes that healing is a very long process-of many, many trials, & errors! For all the errors we make along this inevitable journey though, we should not regret them. Each encounter we have, though some may have come about as a result of cause & effect-the decision is always ours to willfully make. What we learn/do with that decision afterwards is the key! 

@stacie.martin

Again, faking happiness & trying to succeed though my life often felt (hell feels) toxic, is my surrender ^ "white flag" or survival method. But, if you are just surviving, will you ever thrive? Ever? Smiling in public-while burying your hot tears into a pillow-alone (even if someone was turned the opposite direction a mere foot away) is not thriving. Discussing personal relationship/familial issues with friends, vs. a therapist-because you so desire human acceptance, validation, and love is not thriving. Working 40-80-120 weeks vs. accepting there is a huge possibly impassable relationship issue in the home you're paying for together is not thriving. Having to document every instance of happiness, reading positive quotes to inspire a better life-but too afraid to pursue one is not thriving. 

I am & have been actively in therapy. I wanted couples' therapy for years, but thought there was a stigma if a therapist's daughter needed mental help. Now after refusing to go for years, he has begun saying again I'm the only one that needs help. Before it was he did not want to go because his only "issue" was me or us, never just him, or both of us. Everyone has issues and needs to cope through them one way or another. I can send him either undying love messages...or admit I am in pain due to our relationship deficiencies & his refusal to address. I can send him articles, quotes expressing pain or things that resonate with me. He will also ignore them, or say he does & then claim later he read them, but won't attempt to enact change(s) based upon what the author suggests. He tells me my opinion does not matter whatsoever & he doesn't need someone like I do...so to get out of his space or leave and not "burden" him. As we'll see in pattern #2, when I finally did-reality took a drastically different turn.  

Remember, in the beginning I discussed "innocence," and how we make our own decisions depending upon some things. These "things," we act upon "as a result of" something or someone can be our: feelings, cravings, neglect, anxieties, abuse (in whatever form it happens to you). But there is always a choice behind those actions...

Since my recent blog was a result of #BorntoShine author Ashley Lemieux encouraging her "sisters" to write themselves a letter...I'm going to continue signing my posts. They might not always be just "for me," and could inspire or help someone else in the universe. For now they are letters to remind me, help me cope, process, reflect, etc... I won't explain my letter valediction in future ;) 

                                                                                                Love Always, 
                                                                                                Jessica